Since introduced to it, I have always thought that I wanted this life that my favorite bloggers SouleMama, SoulePapa and their littles have led. Their blog is one of the things that inspired me to do the farm internship--that, and wanting to have a goat, work outside, homestead, be self-sufficient...
I've always wanted to use my hands while I use my brain, always a doodler--my high school English teacher gave me a pipe cleaner to form while I listened to the days lesson...
--But you go through life, you go through school, wondering what you should be, searching for that special spot you fill with what you've been given. When you pull out the things that you love most of all those gifts-- you start to see the direction you will go.
So I tried many majors in college.... in the end I studied Philosophy, I have always been obsessed with my own mind, the thoughts in it, those of others, what it all means, what is good, evil, ethical...? I found never-ending questions, no sure answers--and I found that I never want to stop learning, asking, seeking. I love the hunt and it is endless. I gathered a mindful of meaningful mystery.
But then there were my restless hands.
So I went to design school. To work my hands, to draw, to construct, to sew, to create something tangible--something achievable, something simple and useful and beautiful. I found skills, creativity, tools. I felt equipped. --And I went out into the world.
Then of course you must find work. You must share your knowledge, your skills, develop them--you must contribute, learn and contribute more. And you must make money... to support yourself, to support all of us working towards this one enormous greater good.
But it never felt right. The good wasn't the great ideal I had worked up inside me.
I am, to great impossible lengths, an idealist. A dreamer.
So I found it hard to settle in. Anywhere.
Now I've ended up here--done with an eye-opening, soul-sending-reeling experience that was all my own. This farm life was in fact, romanticized (yes, idealized.) I don't want SouleMama's life--or anyone else's. I want my own, wonderful life. What I wanted was the joy that she found in each day. And I had that. I have that. I have always had that. It's always been with me. And it seems so unbearably simple that it's incredibly hard to believe that I didn't realize it.
So now I move to the family farm--a long-time dream of mine, wrapped up in ideals. I intend to use the experience as one of continued learning for as long or as short as it might make sense. I will find joy there in the new experiences, as I will find it everywhere else I go, always. And I hope I go places I haven't even dreamt of and find joy in the most unexpected ways.