I ride my bike around town a lot. Coasting downhills, easing up them, looking all around me... --as needed, I switch gears... it's freedom.
I stopped writing at the end of October. I was about to move to the farm. And I did. I moved. ...I started to.
I started to move to my family farm and something happened in me, --something that had been building in me for weeks. I was so lost, --trying to follow conflicting emotions in turn --at such a loss for direction. Those last weeks of my farm internship, this dream of mine was being realized --but I wasn't sure it was my dream anymore. I left work on Halloween night from one farm for the other. I was to spend my first night in my new home. My Grandparent's farmhouse waited empty for me. I was excited as I left, car full.
As a I drove through the sunsetting landscape, my excitement sank with the light. Driving into town, a place I loved to visit--where family was close by, friendly faces, memories, history, nostalgia, the farm, my dreams--all that brought me there. But what I felt was alone, unprepared and lost. This was a wonderful place and I was lucky to be there--but, as it turned out, I didn't believe it was where I belonged.
It was a difficult decision to make, and easy when I really listened to my feelings--the move didn't feel right. I couldn't help but feel the guilt and the failure. Ever lucky me though, I had/(have) the world's best-EVER support system. And with those truly amazing people and a little time, I found a path.
I've found home again in Minneapolis. I'm working towards a new kind of work for me, something I believe in. I will always grow things, I will always make things, and though you can take the girl out of Wisconsin, you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl--I will always and forever be from Wisconsin-- but our neighbor, Minnesota, has found its own place in my heart (excepting their sports teams.) I have love here. And I have community that I've built here. And brand, shiny new dreams....
"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
-F. Scott Fitzgerald
So here are a few things that I've been up to:
watching her grow--so fast.
skiing. Birkie #2 --and surprising myself.
catching my first ever, trout --magical.
And of course,
I just finished these lovely, reversible (I hope, super functional) dresses for some VERY special small ladies. (One has even yet to arrive!) The pattern is so fun and quick--I think I'll be making more soon as I know many deserving little ones. The Pattern is from Owly Baby, the Emma Dress.
I will sign off with a video that graces us with a way of thinking that makes me feel like nothing that can happen can be so bad... --if we just embrace gratitude...
I hope, --and I'm grateful.
May All Beings Be Happy
In safety and in bliss, may all beings be happy.
Whatever beings there may be, be they weak or strong,
Excepting none; short, tall or middle sized,
Large or small, seen or unseen,
Dwelling far or near, born or yet to be born,
May they all be happy.
- a Buddhist prayer